Easter Monday and another bank holiday to get through . The weather is awful  and I am tired of the interminable rain - it doesn't do anything to lift already dampened spirits . I don't feel that I am any further down the path of my new life without  Veronica , I have no enthusiasm for the  future . I am listening to Classic FM's top three hundred in their Hall of Fame  and so many pieces evoke  memories  that it is almost impossible to listen to but I am hypnotised  into acquiescence  , I cannot drag myself away , it's  a kind of emotional masochism .
Spring  seems to be stirring  in our  Devon hedgerows  , primroses in the banks and hawthorn hedges turning a soft green but everywhere there is mud , mud  and more mud .The poor lambs in the fields  are looking distinctly soggy and not their usual ebullient selves ; not a lot of skipping and frolicking going on. I know how they feel .
My good news is that my daughter and her husband are moving back from Sussex down to Devon and so will be only half an hour away  , now that is  something to look forward to . Perhaps that will galvanise me into  some kind of activity -who knows . I do hope so  because I can't go on like this , its like being in Limbo waiting for something to happen to change things . If something did happen I am not even sure I would  recognise it  and be able to act on it -everything is fraught with indecision - do I stay in this house  surrounded by happy memories  which at the same time reminds me of everything precious that I have now lost . It sounds as though I am wallowing in self pity - I am not , I just feel blank .

Well I have made it through Christmas -not without difficult and often poignant moments . It's very hard  to see people out and about  in the festive  spirit when all you can do is think of Christmases past . Veronica loved Christmas  and always  made it very special for the  whole  family .
In many ways it was lucky that I have just had  my  hip replacement operation as that  meant I was very much confined to home  so was not confronted on a daily basis with all things  festive although the first Christmas card through the letter box addressed just to me was emotional to say the least .But with no Christmas  decorations  or tree I could pretty much pretend none of it was happening . When I did venture out  to our local village store  I could feign blindness and  ask for my items to be  collected  and put in my knapsack - I think they are used to my eccentricities now  and humour me .
Now it is New Year's Eve and I suppose I shall have to think about what to do in the future  . Life cannot go on as it is as that would be unbearable but I have absolutely no idea how to reform my life . I will be 75 this  coming year - how does  a 75 year old man  start again ? The questions go racing through my mind - is there time to start over?- Do I want to ? Have I the  energy to? And start what ?
One of my problems is that I am not what I would  call a clubbable man -I have never joined things  except in my youth  when I did amateur dramatics  and cricket . But for most of my life  it was pretty much Veronica  and me - we did things together . I think probably I am fairly unsociable . Don't get me wrong I will stop and chat with anyone but that's as far as it goes after that I am I suppose a loner . The trouble with that  is that without my lifelong partner  I can feel loneliness creeping up on me like an insidious  shadow . The evenings already seem interminable  . True I have Millie  but her political views are not mine , she spends an inordinate amount of time washing and the rest  sleeping .But then that's cats for you .
Perhaps  when I have got totally over my hip op  and I can drive  again and I espy the  first primrose in my Devon hedgerows I shall feel more positive but at the moment the future looks bleak .

The Grieving Process

I am not really dealing with this  grieving process at all well . As the  endless days  go by I feel less and  less inclined to interact with the outside world . People are very well meaning  but the  very mention of  Veronica  or seeing  something that reminds me of her  and  my loss  reduces  me to tears so much so that I have become  an embarrassment  to myself  and would  rather avoid company than embrace it . When I get  up in the morning the only thing I look forward to is bedtime  and even that with some  dread as I know my nights  will be disturbed .
I have tried returning to my old occupation as  an antique  dealer  but I have little  enthusiasm for it . I spend  my days trying to find something to do  around the  house or  garden . Admittedly I am not as  mobile  as I would like to be   and hopefully that will change when I have  my overdue hip operation  in ten days  time . Sad though it may seem I  am looking forward to  being put out for the  count  for  a few hours .
I suspect unless you have been through the process of nursing  someone  with an illness like PSP over a long period ,  you can never truly  understand how totally and utterly drained  you are when your partner dies . It is  as though  someone has thrown you off a cliff  and however much you flap your arms you know you are not going to fly  but just spiral down into the abyss .That sounds over dramatic but that's how it feels . I think it is to do with the  level of commitment  that you undertook  nursing your partner and when that goes  everything goes - your whole raison d'être  is called into question - no routines  , no purpose , no-one requiring anything from you .On top of that the one person to whom you were totally committed is  gone - it is all so very final .
All the literature  and given advice  says  it will change - time is a healer  etc etc  but at 74  I don't suppose I have a lot of time and if I am honest I am not sure I really want it  anyway .

Yesterday was  grey  and misty , and I drove through  woodlands . Everything about it  shouted AUTUMN - the trees wept  golden tears and I stopped the car  and the world seemed shrouded in misty silence . No bird sounds  just the gentle dripping of moisture falling onto sodden ground . You could smell that dank air mixed with warm earth . It seemed more like  November than October  but then comes today - magical . A bright azure  sky and the sun warm on my back as I sweep up what is left of  the leaves from the virginia creeper  which shrouds my house . Fortunately  there were high winds  earlier in the  week  and most of the  leaves  took off  and disappeared who knows  where .But today is  like a summer's day  , I know it won't  last already there is the beginning of a mackerel sky  telling of rain to  come , however at the moment  I have the  sun on my face   and  can feel that all is  well with the  world   - well almost . I do wonder if I will ever feel that again  . 

Today  I also thought that I should  try to go through a few of  Veronica's  things . I had no idea  about the bits  and pieces  she had  kept - our children's  baby shoes , little lockets  with pictures of me  as  young man , tiny bracelets , charms   - oh so much ,so many poignant memories  , what to do with it all , nothing , I put it all back where I found it  and there it will stay  until I am ready  and  I am  certainly  not ready yet  as I discovered to my teary cost . 

I have been trying to take  a few brave steps out of the  seclusion of my house when my every instinct is to scurry back home  and bury myself in the  safety and solitude of my home . Tonight  I am taking myself to the  cinema - I haven't  been in years . It was  something we both liked to do  so what it will be like doing it without  Veronica ? I have no idea - I just hope I don't sit there with tears trickling down my cheeks but at least it will be dark so I don't suppose it will matter . 

Home again

I made it  up to Newcastle to see my grandchildren  despite all the difficulties in packing and then on to Scotland ,  St Andrews with my daughter  and  son - in - law . It was very emotional seeing my grandchildren as firstly I haven't seen them for over a year  and secondly it was so strange seeing them without  Veronica  with me   and I think they found it  difficult too - so many memories  . Now I am a widower , can't get used to that  word , it seems  so alien  and people treat you differently  , you see sympathy  and pity in their  eyes all at the same time . They are dying to ask you how you are managing  but don't quite like to  so  you skirt around the  subject . All of a sudden the tsunami  moment intervenes  and you fill up  and hastily  turn away . It seems that  it is  one step forwards  and three steps  back .
It was beautiful up in Scotland , delightful fishing villages   , very unspoilt  , cobbled streets and spectacular seascapes  with vast stretches of  sky which reached out over the North Sea towards Scandanavia . There was a great emptiness  (in more ways than one ) .I went to watch the  golf  where my son-in-law  was caddying  and despite dodgy hip playing up managed to  walk round some of the  golf course which runs  along the  coast line . Guy had got me a pass to the  club house  so I could  rest up  and watch the golf  from the comfort of a deep seated leather arm chair when me and hip had  had enough .
That was an education in itself  as the competition  was a pro /amateur  one  where lots of very rich Americans  pay to come  and play with the professionals . Earwigging on billionaire businessmen was entertaining in itself  let alone the  golf .
I returned home after ten days  away  with some  trepidation . The drive down from Scotland  was fine but as I got nearer home so the feelings of loneliness  , sadness , despair  set in . There was no one there  and  walking into an empty house was just horrible .
But I am glad I made the  effort and hopefully the  next time it will be  easier ,my daughter Kate  and her husband Guy really pushed the boat out for me and I appreciate it . But not being able to share it with Veronica was more painful than I expected  but then every day seems more painful than I expect it to be . I guess I just have to get used to it - easier said than done .

Panic , panic , panic -blind panic has  set in . On Wednesday I am heading north to Newcastle to see my two lovely  granddaughters  whom I haven't seen for over  a year . I am also meeting my daughter up there  and going to watch some  golf  as her husband is  caddying  there  and then the  following week at  St Andrews  and they have  taken an apartment with an extra room for me . The panic is not so much about the trip  although this is the first time in four years  that I will have been away  for more than three days  but how to pack . Simple task you may  say - rubbish I tell you . What do I take  and how much of it - how many pairs  of socks ,trousers , shirts pants ,will I need . what will the weather be like ? Hot , cold indifferent ,wet ?So many decisions to make  . I am used to opening one  sleepy  eye , sniffing the air outside my bedroom window  and reaching for the appropriate wear for the  day , safe in the knowledge  that if it changes  so can I .
Veronica  was a meticulous packer . Everything neatly folded  and  each layer of clothing separated from the  next with paper . When she unpacked  everything looked as though it was freshly ironed . Now my packing  is not in the  same league . By and large it looks  as though it has  been screwed  into a ball and then given to the local rugby team to  kick around the garden . Actually it has been screwed into a ball  as I am prone to  stuffing a hold all  rather than packing .
Today I put out a selection of clothes on the bed in the  spare room  rejected half of them  and then put them back out again as I thought I would  definitely  need them . How I envy my son-in -law , he travels the  world  for weeks on end  on the  golfing  circus with a bag that is half the size I am taking for  ten days .
Never mind I shall take things  'just in case "  and most of it is  "just in the case '.....I wonder should I take  my slippers ?

Well I suppose it is time to make a start. For the  last few  years  , three may be four I have been caring for my wife  who was  suffering from a rare neurological  illness called progressive  supra nuclear  palsy  . It probably manifested itself   a few  years   previously  but it was  along time  before we got a diagnosis . I am not going into the  ins  and outs of the illness  but just to say it was  devastating  as it robbed my wife  of the ability to do anything . It was totally  time consuming being her  full time  carer  and now  sadly she has died  and at the age of 74  , I have to face life without my partner of over  fifty years . I have to make a new start  and deal with things that I have never thought about . So I have decided to chronicle my progress  as best I can .
But where to start , there are so many emotions which cascade over one  , like repeating waterfalls . The grieving process  is overwhelming . Apart  from missing my wife  Veronica  dreadfully ( and I would give anything to have her back although I know that is  selfish of me  as her quality of life was miserable ) I feel a great emptiness . I feel as though I am living in a vacuum waiting for something to happen  yet  knowing that the only things  that will happen are things which I instigate . Yet I have no will or desire to instigate anything . Even as I write  my eyes  fill with tears  , some for my wife  and some  for me  and the huge loneliness that I now  face .
Each morning I wake early  half expecting  , no in fact expecting to hear the movements of the night carers  getting ready to write up their note prior to leaving . But  as I come out of my fitful night's sleep there is nothing , silence . I get up  just the  same even though there is no urgency to start the  day , really there is no urgency left in any part of my life . For the past four years I have been governed by the  caring routine , meals  washing , dressing , medication  and so on now there is nothing for me to do  and it is  frightening .Breakfast and getting the day under way  took two hours or so  now I am done in  a few minutes  and the long day stretches  ahead like a blank canvass . What shall I paint ? I don't know .
"Early days ' people say to me , "it's all very raw " . I am sure they are right  but does it help , not really .I know  that I have got to make an effort  and step outside and rejoin the  world but at the moment I can't  I just want to curl up and die , The silence is deafening - I will do it , I have to but not today .